3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking , One 、3-5 What is the development of a child's individual mind ; Two 、 Systematically restore 3-5 The social relationships faced by a - year-old child , What is their psychological state in social relations .
List of articles
- 1 3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ About author
- 2 3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ About this book
3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ About author
Louise · Emanuel , Member of the psychoanalytic oriented Psychotherapist Association , He is currently a child psychotherapy consultant in the children and family Department of Tavistock Clinic .
Leslie · Maroni , Member of the British Association of child psychotherapists , Child and adolescent psychotherapists , He is now in charge of the children's psychotherapy program in Fulham primary school in London .
3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ About this book
This book is the Tavistock Clinic “ Know your child ” The second book in the series , It shows a picture 3-5 A panoramic view of a child's growth , To help you understand all aspects of children's performance at this age , And the underlying psychology behind these performances .
3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ Preface
Hello , You are welcome to listen to this book every day , I am Guanghang . stay 2019 At the knowledge conference in spring , We launched a batch of e-books exclusively . There is a set of very classic parent-child education series , It's called “ Know your child ”.
The book I'm going to tell you today is the second in this series , The title of the book is 《3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking 》. This book shows a picture of 3-5 A panoramic view of a child's growth , To help you understand all aspects of children's performance at this age , And the underlying psychology behind these performances .
3-5 What exactly does a - year-old child think every day ？ In general , Children in this age group will constantly switch between the two states ： One side , They want to be like when they were oneortwo years old , Stay in the arms of mom and dad for a long time , Return to that helpless and lovely baby state . On the other hand , They have set their sights on areas outside the family , There is a kind of “ The world is so big , I want to see it ” Impulse , Behind it is a curiosity about the world . therefore , In their little brains , The ever-changing thoughts , It is much more complicated than infancy .
And then , Most young parents , Just after the feeding period , These little ones in the child's mind are a new challenge . such as , Your child plays games every day , Do you know what games mean to children at this stage ？ Why do some children often indulge in their own fantasy world ？ also ,3-5 Year old boy , Why do you also like to play house ？ as well as , As the title of this book says , Why do they keep asking all day long , And what you might encounter with them that caught you off guard 、 A dumb question ？
All of these , Can be found in our book today . The two authors of this book are Louise of England · Emanuel and Leslie · Maroni , Both of them are from the famous Tavistock Clinic . This clinic is a world-renowned research center for children's psychology , Published a series of books on children's psychology . The two authors have seen a large number of clinical cases in their daily work , Yes 3-5 There is a clear summary of the psychology of a - year-old child . therefore , This book doesn't teach you how to raise children by hand , Nor is the fortress giving you a set of specific parenting methods , But to dissect for you 3-5 The year-old child has grown up bit by bit in all aspects , So that you can have a detailed understanding of the psychology of children at this age , Help you grasp the growth law of your child .
My interpretation of this book , In two parts ： The first part , Analysis for you 3-5 The development of a child's individual mind , There are two forms of learning that have played a key role in promoting their minds . The second part , Systematically restore 3-5 The social relationships faced by a - year-old child , And their psychological state in social relations .
3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ The first part
Let's start with the first part , The development of a child's individual mind .3-5 A child of years old develops very quickly mentally , I wish there were some fresh changes every day , It surprised my parents . In the process , Playing games and asking questions play a particularly important role in children's mental development . Let's say... Separately .
Let's start with playing games . Playing games is a child's instinct .3-5 There are a wide range of game types that children can choose from , Beneficial to the intellect , Like chess and cards 、 Building blocks ; There are also people who can exercise , Such as ball games . Many parents also know that children should play games , But in addition to the puzzle , Besides exercising , What else can Games bring to children ？ The book argues that , Games have at least three important functions , Maybe you haven't thought about it before .
The first function is , Play is a way for children to express their emotions . in other words , Children often place certain emotions in the process of playing , Playing games has become an outlet for children's emotional release . This book tells a case , The protagonist is 3 Year old boy Charlie . There will be a day , Charlie is playing with his friends in the yard . He 6 My - year-old brother suddenly rushed over , Push them down by force , Bury these two little friends in the fallen leaves , Then he left with a laugh . Then something interesting happened . When Charlie got up , Greeting friends to start playing a fantasy adventure game . They pretended to be on a boat , I used a broken broom as an oar , There are a group of dangerous sharks around the ship . This game is so real for Charlie , Until his mother came , Only then did he dare to “ ship ” Up and down , Because he thought the sharks had been chasing them . Why is Charlie so involved in this game ？ The author thinks that , Charlie's motivation to design this game , It comes from his brother's little violence against him . Charlie was very angry about it , So there was an impulse to fight . But my brother has run away , Even if you don't run, you probably won't provoke . So Charlie thought of the plot of an animated cartoon , His anger was released in the form of a sea adventure .
Another case is a girl , Susie . She just started kindergarten these days , Wear Barbie dolls every day . And the teacher called her name , She would immediately protest ：“ My name is not Susie , My name is Barbie .” The teacher felt a little difficult , To force her to accept that she is Susie , Or compromise to call her Barbie ？ later , The teacher reached an agreement with Susie —— She can play Barbie at a fixed time in the morning , The teacher will cooperate with her , And after this time period , She's going to change back , Become Suzie again . So why did Susie insist on playing this Barbie game ？ as a result of , Introverted Susi children in the new environment of Kindergarten , Newly arrived , It's hard to avoid a little nervous . And Barbie doll , It's something she plays at home every day , The game served as an emotional bond between her and her parents , Make her feel at ease . in fact , After Suzie's first few days of adaptation , She gave up the Barbie game , Because her nervousness has been relieved , There is no need to wrap yourself in Barbie's disguise . Do you think Charlie and Susie understand why they play these two games ？ Probably don't understand . But this does not prevent them from designing the game , But also successfully deal with their own negative emotions . This is the charm of the game .
For children , The game has a second function —— Seek control . Imagine , If you are now young again , Become a child again , How do you feel ？ You must need someone to take care of you , Right ？ Someone takes care of , Of course it's a good thing , But everything depends on other people to provide , Do everything with your parents' permission , It can be said that there are restrictions everywhere , Isn't this kind of taste too pleasant ？ therefore , Children are small , People also need to seek some self-identity . But the actual conditions do not allow , How to solve this contradiction ？ I'm sure you guessed it , Then play a game . In the world of games , Children not only have the ability to take care of themselves , You can also take care of others . The game style is more realistic , Play house , They find a baby to look after , Act as parents by yourself , That requires preparing dinner 、 To buy things , You need to work to earn money . So they take from the reality , Become a devotee , These are two completely different states of mind . The game style is a little more unrestrained ？ They will let themselves have a magic wand , You can easily make food to fill your stomach , You can launch an attack to defeat the bad guys , Even if you get hurt , Wave a magic wand , Okay . Can this feeling be given by real life ？ The book also gives an example , A little boy named Anthony followed his mother to watch a A large fireworks show . Anthony found , Here comes the fun opportunity ！ He watched the fireworks popping in the air , While pointing with two small hands , He kept muttering to himself . He imagined himself as a conductor , He created these brilliant fireworks in front of him , There are hundreds of people around who are absorbed in appreciating nothing else , It is his outstanding work . In the process , He gets enough control , Fully established self-identity .
The game has a third function —— Strengthen gender awareness . We all have such a consensus , Boys and girls like different toys . Boys may prefer swords 、 firearms 、 A car model or something , Yes, dolls 、 Dolls , Often there is not much feeling . Most girls , Will be the exact opposite of them . Children play these games , It's actually reinforcing their gender roles . Sometimes we see similar situations in kindergartens ： The teacher led a group of children to make a food model out of plastic , Come and play the game of shopping . At the beginning , The boy 、 The girls are all involved . You are a guest , I work as a shop assistant , It's fun to be busy . Slowly, , The boys began to feel bored . A little boy had a flash of light , Take a plastic banana as a pistol , Point to another boy and say “biubiu” The sound of shooting . You can imagine that , All of a sudden all the little boys couldn't sit still , Grab an object at random , Then they started shooting at each other . What about the girl , Basically unmoved , Keep playing their shopping game .
Sometimes parents feel that too strong gender identity limits their children's personality development . For example, some girls wear pink clothes , Draw a princess . Parents say , Girl, you can wear something else , Draw something else . We have so many choices , Don't just stare at this . Children often look unhappy . There are other cases , Some children cross gender , Give yourself a different experience . such as , Boys will find a hidden place to play , Holding a cloth doll , Try to understand what it feels like to be a mother , Or I put on my mother's high heels and walked around laughing . It's a lot to see , Parents are also a little worried , Is there a problem with the child's gender identity ？
You see , This is the blind entanglement of being a parent . Psychology holds that , Everyone has a masculine side , There is also a feminine side . Children like to play at some stage , Experience different gender roles , This is all in the normal range . And the more parents object , The more persistent the child is . Don't worry , Just let it go .
So you see , Games can be like this , Expand children's cognition from multiple perspectives . Besides ,3-5 There is also a feature of the year-old child , Especially like to ask questions . They are just like radar , Carefully find out the question points in every sentence of adults , Or observe the things around you , Once you find something you don't understand , Can't wait to ask why . They want to know , What kind of material is it made of , What is that thing for . They want to know , Which is bigger, dinosaur or house , How did dinosaurs die out . also , They are very interested in their body structure , When I lost my first baby tooth , Children will be interested in turning that tooth over and over for a long time . With , They will also be very interested in the waste produced by the body, such as excrement, urine and fart , Often make parents laugh and cry .
Unlike when they were younger , At this stage, children's logical reasoning ability has begun to sprout . Like a tooth fairy 、 Santa Claus these stories they used to believe in , Now they sometimes show a skeptical attitude . There is an example in the book , One 3 Rose, a - year-old girl, asked her parents about Santa Claus carefully , Ask your parents how Santa climbed down the chimney , And our house has no chimney , How is he going to get in ？ Etc., etc. . When parents see this, they won't get over it , Just tell her that there is no Santa Claus in world . Rose was very calm after listening , There was no sign of surprise , Her only concern is ：“ What about my Christmas present ？”
The above questions , It is easy to answer , It's not so easy to be a parent . There are many phenomena , Adults are common , No one will think about why , But children will ask , For example, why is the sky blue ？ I Believe , Most parents can't do it , Just tell me why .
This kind of problem is that parents may not understand . There's something else , Yes, although I understand , But I am not willing to answer . What's the problem ？ Mainly about life and death . Almost every child is 3-5 I always ask my parents when I am ten years old , Where did I come from ？ The usual answer from parents is , I picked it up from the valley , It came out of the cabbage field , Or it was sent by charging the phone fee . There is a saying , But I just don't tell the truth . In fact! , Take it easy , The child just needs to get an answer that he can understand . such as , You see a pregnant woman in the park , You can take the opportunity to tell him ：“ See that aunt ？ Aunt is pregnant now , There is a baby hidden in the stomach . This baby , She lives in a place called uterus inside her aunt's body , Is slowly growing . When you grow up , The doctor will help the aunt take out the baby . You used to , It's the same thing .” Isn't this much better than the ravines and cabbage fields ？
This is a question of health , The problem of death may be more difficult . About death , Children's problems usually have a gradual process . At first he will ask you , Why animals and plants die . Then he would ask ： What about the man , Will people die ？ ah , It turns out that people also die ！ What about mom and Dad , Will you die one day ？ The topic of death , Always seem very heavy and cruel , We usually don't think about it , But the child asked what to do ？ The best way , It was you who led him to read some picture books on the subject of death education . Let me share my experience , Two picture books are recommended , One is called 《 A leaf fell 》, There is also a book called 《 When ducks meet death 》. With the help of the warm stories and pictures in picture books , You can dispel your child's fear to some extent , At the same time, it also answers their questions , Than just avoiding this topic , It's much better .
In a word? , Whether you want to answer or not , These questions will be raised by children sooner or later . As parents , What is the attitude you should hold ？ When the child asks why , Protect his curiosity about the world . It is valuable for you to let your child know his problems , Even if you can't give a high-quality answer now , But you will find ways , Search through the Internet 、 Turn over a Book , Or with tools like picture books , To try to satisfy him .
3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ The second part
We have just analyzed the development of children's individual mind . Games help children express their emotions , Seek control , Strengthen gender awareness . Questions , It can satisfy children's curiosity , Expand their understanding of life 、 Understanding of the world . Next, let's talk about their psychological state in social relations . We can 3-5 There are three levels of social relationships for children aged ： The first level is the relationship with parents , The second level is the relationship with brothers and sisters , The third level is the relationship with others .
The core relationship of children , It's certainly a relationship with parents . At this stage, when children get along with their parents , What kind of psychological state will there be ？
There is one interesting point ,3 Children after the age of may be jealous of the relationship between their parents , Because he has now discovered , The relationship between parents is so different , Even he was excluded . An obvious sign of jealousy is , If parents sit next to each other on the sofa , Children will be keen to be the third party involved , Climb over and squeeze between two people . also , It is estimated that most parents have heard the declaration of love made by their children ：“ When I grow up, I will marry my mother ”, Or is it “ When I grow up, I will marry my father ”. Don't be frightened by their complex , The child just feels a little hurt because of your close relationship , I want to convey this hurt emotion . It's like saying ：“ Let you have a taste of being excluded ！” What should parents do at this time ？ The book suggests , Parents had better show their love in a proper way , Show that your relationship is irreplaceable , Help your child establish a clear boundary .
Take the example in the book , One 4 Year old girl Emily , I'm very happy today . Because my mother is out , Dad was alone at home with her . She is more active than usual , Dance for Dad , A handstand later , Then there is another split . Dad was very happy , Praise her warmly , And suggested that she wait for her mother to come back , Give mom and dad another performance . This suggestion, which may seem very common to Dad, reminds Emily , She subconsciously got rid of her mother 、 Own dad's fantasy , It will never come true .
Except for the Oedipus and Oedipus complex , There is another angle to understand the triangular relationship between parents and children , It is the way both parents bring up their children . Some families , Parents are in charge of their children , There will be a special singing red face , The other is in charge of singing the white face . It seems that the division of labor is very clear , But what impact will this have on children ？
Let's start with a case in the book . There is one 3 The boy's name is Andrew , Dad has high expectations of him , Very strict requirements . So once dad speaks a little louder , Andrew quickly stopped his movements . His mother would never interrupt him when he was doing something , Andrew is often allowed to turn the house upside down . also , The boy's father set him a regular activity pattern , Have regular meals 、 Go to bed on time , Or you will be punished . Mother's attitude is different , She thought that for a child as young as Andrew , This way is too rigid . You see , The two of them are just white faces , A red face . The point is, sometimes Dad , Sometimes my mother is , Andrew's performance will be completely different . When you are having fun , Here comes dad , There was a clatter in my heart . After a while, it was Mom , good , Breathe a sigh of relief , Hurry up and play . let me put it another way , He had to adjust his mental state back and forth , To adapt to the different requirements of parents .
You see , This split parenting style will completely confuse the rhythm of the child . The book argues that , The best thing for a child is , Both parents can sing "red face" and "white face" . in other words , Every parent can be disciplined strictly , Can also do warm comfort . In the eyes of children , The behavior boundary set by parents is always stable 、 coincident , Then he will feel much more at ease when he starts doing things .
This is the first floor , Between children and parents . What about the second floor ？ The second level is , If there is more than one child in the family , Then the children also need to face the relationship between brothers and sisters at home .
For any child , A brother and sister suddenly appeared in the family , That's a very challenging thing . Four or five year olds may adapt better than twoorthree year olds , But anyway , They saw the mother paying full attention to the new baby , Will make them feel difficult to accept . At this time, they often hope that they can go back to their childhood , Go back to your parents' arms .
This is when the second child was born . When you grow up , There are many disputes between two children . In this case , Parents usually scold their eldest brother more , say ：“ He is small. , As a brother, you can't give in more ！？” It's very common , But it is particularly inappropriate . Children are actually very sensitive . In the future, the younger child will deliberately provoke another , Anyway, it is you who are scolded when your parents come , Right ？ And the big one , Also more and more dislike small . therefore , Don't always assume that the older child must be the one who did something wrong , Don't ask him too much to be a brother or a sister “ Responsibility ”. Older children generally feel that , Younger brothers and sisters get more attention than themselves , You put the blame on him again , That can only enlarge the conflict between brothers and sisters .
relatively speaking , Maybe it will be easier to be a brother or sister . Anyway, once born , The boss already exists , He would not need to undergo such a large adjustment and adaptation . Although the second brother will also have trouble —— In the first few years , There seems to be someone better at everything he does . But overall , His brother and sister have brought him many benefits , It can make him develop faster in language , Teach him to play various toys and games . There are other times , Brothers and sisters will unite against their parents .
This kind of friendship and competition coexist between brothers and sisters . Many parents may have thought about , If only the two children had never fought , Happy every day , Don't worry a lot . But you need to know , It is human nature that friendship and competition coexist . The family has given the children a safe environment , Let them have the opportunity to learn to compete early , Learn to deal with conflict , This is good for the smooth development of the third level relationship .
The third layer of children's social relations mainly occurs in kindergartens . Kindergarten is a major milestone for children , This represents the beginning of their formal exploration of the wider world beyond their families . Kindergartens are the first stop for them to march into this vast world .
One of the challenges facing children in kindergartens is that teachers have limited energy , Can't pay attention . All the children want to attract the teacher's attention , But there are usually only oneortwo teachers . This is similar to the treatment of several adults taking turns at home , That's a long way off . So in this environment , What is the key point ？ It is the child who needs to learn to express his ideas clearly in words . Sometimes children need a teacher to guide them . There is a case in this book , A boy named ASAF was having lunch , He deliberately poured the salad on the head of another child , And refuse to apologize . Then the teacher talked to him , Why do you pour salad on someone's head ？ Assaf said I was very angry . The teacher asked again , Are you angry because that little friend robbed your carrot ？ Assaf said no , It is you who make me angry . The teacher was surprised , Tell me when I made you angry . Assaf replied , Because you sent me a lump of white shit —— He called yogurt white stool . The teacher asked him , Don't you like yogurt ？ Assaf said , I hate mixing it with fruit , I just want to eat fruit . The teacher said , ok , Are you still angry with me now ？ Assaf said , I want you to hold me . You see , Children like Assaf are not incapable of expressing , But he needs a guiding process . When children can express their ideas and needs in words , Their social ability will take a big step forward .
Making new friends is another challenge . Interestingly , Children at this stage have begun to show “ People gather by analogy ” Tendencies . therefore , Timid and shy children get together ; And those who like to be noisy 、 Children who like to violate the teacher's rules form a group , Be a good friend . In this group , There will be some children who will become leaders who give orders , There are some children who will be popular , There will also be bullying , There are also children who have difficulty integrating into the group . For children's social status in kindergarten , Parents must keep in close touch with their teachers , Timely intervention measures .
good , This is the second part , We introduced 3-5 The psychological state of a - year-old child in social relations . Children in this age group face three levels of relationships , The first level is the relationship with parents , They will have an Oedipus or Oedipus complex , Need parental help to set boundaries . The second level is the relationship with brothers and sisters , Friendship and competition coexist , Parents don't need to interfere , Let them learn to deal with conflict by themselves . The third level is the relationship with others , Children begin to explore the world , Make new friends , It may take some patient guidance from adults .
3-5 Why does a - year-old child keep asking ？ summary
Summarize the contents of this book ,3-5 Year old children develop rapidly in both individual mind and social relations .
The individual mind ： The reason why children like playing games , It's because the game expresses emotions 、 Seek control and strengthen gender awareness . Children like to ask why , This will satisfy the child's curiosity at the same time , Greatly improve children's understanding of life 、 The level of understanding of the world .
Social relations ： Children have an Oedipus complex with their parents , Desire a consistent way of discipline . Between brothers and sisters , The first child needs to adapt to the arrival of new family members , Competition and cooperation coexist between brothers and sisters ; Waiting for Kindergarten , Children need to learn to express their ideas and needs in words , Make new friends , Integrate into the collective life .
Finally, let me share my feelings . Parents and 3-5 It is very likely that the child - parent relationship is in a golden age .3 Before age , Parents spend a lot of energy on feeding ; from 6 The age of , You should work hard for their study , Facing the nightmare of tutoring children to do homework ; After that , They are entering puberty , Will accelerate out of your sight . My son 3-5 It was not long before the age of , This book often makes me feel like watching movie playback , Including the scene of him playing at home with great interest , And the social challenges we have encountered , There are many scenes that make me cry . I hope this book can help you get to know your children again , Accompany him to spend every day of this golden period .