10-14 What are you thinking about , from 10 To the age of 14 year , Children's physiology and psychology will change greatly . We need to understand children , First of all, we must understand these changes , This is the most basic . then , Let's revert to the specific scenario , To see how these changes behave in relationships . The scene of a child's life , Mainly two , One is family , Second, schools . The relationship between the two places has been handled well , Even if the child's growth environment is well managed .
List of articles
- 1 10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ About author
- 2 10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ About this book
10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ About author
The author of this book is Rebecca, a psychologist at Tavistock Clinic, a top British psychotherapy institution · Burgess and Margot · Walder .
10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ About this book
“ Tavistock Clinic · Know your child ” It's a parenting guide written by psychologists at the Tavistock Clinic to parents . This book is the fourth of them , It's about 10-14 Subconscious instructions for teenagers , A relationship statement .
10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ Preface
Hello , You are welcome to listen to this book every day .2019 year 4 month 23 Japan , At the knowledge conference , We launched a batch of e-books exclusively . There is a very classic parent-child education series , It's called “ Know your child ”. There are four books in this set , The corresponding age groups are 0-2 year 、3-5 year 、6-9 Age and 10-14 year . What about the author , Are psychologists at the Tavistock Clinic in the UK . This clinic 1920 It was established in , Like Freud 、 Jung 、 Klein 、 Winnicott, the masters of psychoanalysis , They all talked and studied there . Its clinical treatment and research level , It has always been internationally recognized .
Unique perspective , targeted , This is the characteristic of this set of books . For such a good book , Of course, I won't miss the listening column . What I want to explain to you in this issue , It's the last one , The main character is 10-14 Young people at the age of . They are big kids who can't wait to grow up , It is also full of conflict and confusion in my heart “ Little adult ”. For children of this age , What's your impression ？ impulse 、 treason 、 sensitive 、 eccentric ？ No matter which label , It's enough to give parents a headache . If anyone has the secret of taming teenagers , Parents probably want to try .
But in the book we are going to talk about in this issue , There is no such secret . It is not a reference book for the right remedy , It's the instructions , A juvenile's subconscious instructions , A relationship statement .
We said from the beginning , The authors of this series are psychoanalysts at the Tavistock Clinic . So they focus on , It is the subconscious conflict and demand between children and adolescents , This is an area that educators from other directions cannot touch . From the perspective of the psychoanalyst , Find out what young Shao is thinking , And then sort out the relationship , Many problems and conflicts , That's how it works .
If you open this book , You will find that it is actually divided into two parts , Previously, we specifically talked about 10-11 year , That is the end of childhood . Later on 12-14 year , This is the beginning of puberty . At different stages , Children have different needs and problems . The author enumerates in great detail in the book . But after I read it , I think these scattered items , In fact, it can be summarized into three points , That's it “ A change , Two relationships ”.
Growth is a process of constant change . from 10 Years old to adolescence , Children's physiology and psychology will change greatly . We need to understand children , First of all, we must understand these changes , This is the most basic .
then , Let's revert to the specific scenario , To see how these changes behave in relationships . The scene of a child's life , Mainly two , One is family , Second, schools . The relationship between the two places has been handled well , Even if the child's growth environment is well managed .
10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ The first part
Let's start with change .
According to the British education system ,10-11 Children at the age of , It is basically grade 5 or grade 6 of primary school , I'm about to enter junior high school , This is similar to the situation in China . But if you walk into a sixth grade classroom , You will find that the students' differences are too great . Some are tall and burly , It looks like a teenager , Some are short and thin , Like a child of seven or eight . And different physiological development speed , It will also have a direct impact on the child's psychology .
Young girls , You will find that your body is becoming concave and convex , And ushered in menarche . They may feel embarrassed , Will make up all kinds of excuses , Avoid sports , To avoid being noticed 、 Be laughed at . In the developmental stage , Girls' emotions tend to fluctuate , They look for identification with their partners of the same sex . So you'll see , A girl of this age , Started to have their own girlfriends and small groups .
Boys' situation is different . They will vent their energy on various physical activities , Seek identity in sports . In the process , Boys will feel their body changes and reactions , And I believe that I will grow into a strong 、 tall , And a sexually capable adult male . therefore , Facing a boy of this age , Don't dislike that they are always sweating , This is how they build their male self-confidence .
You need to be reminded that , Before entering puberty , Children may have strange “ Retro behavior ”. They seem to have suddenly degenerated to a younger age , I always look at the pictures of my childhood , Play childhood games , Read a story book from a long time ago .
But you don't have to worry , This strange behavior doesn't last long . Soon , They will be engaged in activities that match their age . It's like when we face a difficult problem , Will do a little psychological construction , Cheer yourself up . For children , Relive the security of childhood , It will also make them more confident to say goodbye to their childhood , Towards puberty .
When the child takes a crucial step , From primary school to secondary school , From childhood to adolescence ,“ sex ” Will become a particularly prominent variable . Sexual curiosity 、 Sexual impulses and anxiety , Will strongly affect and stimulate teenagers .
Although some children are more precocious , But most of the kids are 12-14 I started puberty at the age of , They will become more and more like adults in sexual characteristics . Girls begin to have menstruation , Body shapes also change rapidly , Rapid weight gain . Boys will have their first ejaculation , Usually it starts with a dream . They began to develop body hair and acne , Build strong , The sound is different . These strange physiological conditions will make them a little clumsy .
12-14 The - year-old has just said goodbye to his childhood , But not yet an adult . At this stage , Their bodies seem to be out of control , Become very strange . meanwhile , Their emotions will also have twists and turns . For these physiological changes , Their attitude ranges from denial to confusion , Then there is fear , Later, I began to understand , I was relieved , Finally, I will feel lucky and happy —— I finally grew up . however , These feelings sometimes get mixed up , Make them proud and disgusted , Excited and worried , They are eager to be understood , I don't want to be understood . These intense conflicts , Will make them anxious , Create psychological stress .
For children in their early youth , One way to relieve these pressures , It's masturbation . But while feeling happy , Many teenagers also feel guilty . however , These guilt feelings are not so much about masturbation itself , It's more about the content of sexual fantasy . Children of this age tend to have aggressive thoughts about sex , It's scary 、 The evil side , Teenagers are not familiar with this , So I will feel puzzled .
Masturbation is a normal phenomenon in early adolescence . But if teenagers indulge too much , Parents should pay attention to . We already know , Masturbation is a way for teenagers to release pressure . Overindulgence in sensory stimulation may be a symptom , It means that the child may be escapist . They may not dare to try to communicate with the opposite sex , Maybe I met a setback in my attempt , So I choose to return to my fantasy world , Use your own physical pleasure to fight against psychological pressure 、 Anxiety or fear , Instead of building real relationships with others in the real world . Now , Parents have to find ways to make their children aware of , Stress can indeed be released in various ways , But the problem cannot be solved .
Except masturbation , Parents may also find , Teenagers are beginning to think about their sexuality . In the process , They even worry about whether they are gay , And feel anxious about it .
such as , There is one mentioned in the book 14 Year old boy John . In terms of behavior , John likes his father , I hate my mother . This makes John suspect , I may prefer the same sex . But after communicating with the school counselor for several times , John found out , It bothers him , It's actually his desire for the female body .
12 At the age of , John saw a waiter frivolously touch his mother's hip , It made him jealous and angry , At the same time, I realized my desire for my mother . This inexplicable desire upset him . In order to avoid expressing warm feelings towards her , He began to deliberately stay away from his mother , Even get angry at her 、 swear . Yes, of course , With the help of a consultant , John's problem was finally solved , He turned his attention to a more suitable object , That is, girls of the same age .
Deterministic orientation , Is a key step in forming self-awareness . Whether teenagers are troubled by homosexuality , How troubled is it , It is related to family attitude and culture . Teenagers in this period are not sure which sex they will be attracted to , Therefore, parents should not underestimate the impact of these factors .
When teenagers reveal their orientation problems , Parents should not make a fuss , Don't be too indifferent , You can use a natural and open attitude , Listen to your child's worries , Help them understand what major hardships they will face , Provide timely support and respect their choices . Parents have a basic responsibility to their children , Is to let the child be honest with himself , It doesn't matter to be completely different from your parents .
Adolescent children always have countless troubles , Will also make inexplicable mistakes . When dealing with inner emotional problems , They may steal 、 Excessive drinking 、 Overeating or anorexia , Have a messy sexual relationship . Behind these problematic behaviors , In fact, they all have different subconscious motives . such as , There is sadness and remorse behind stealing , Drinking is to avoid problems , Not eating gives them a sense of control …… Of course , What I am talking about here is just some cases . If you want to identify the root cause of a problem , Professional psychotherapists are still needed to communicate deeply with children .
All in all , On the way to growth , Some mistakes and pains , Just can't get around . Want to clear the way for them directly , It's impossible . The best parents can do , Is always standing behind the child , With him , Love him .
10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ The second part
That's it 10-14 The physical and psychological changes of teenagers , Let's take a look at the relationship problem in the specific scenario .
According to Freud's theory of sexual psychological development , from 6 Years old until puberty , The child is in the incubation period . They suppress their interest in sex , Focus on the development of social and intellectual skills . So on the whole , Children in childhood are relatively calm . But in adolescence , The awakening of accompanying conflict , Previously suppressed conflicts and contradictions , It's going to explode again , And it affects teenagers and parents 、 The relationship between friends and peer groups .
Let's start with the relationship between teenagers and their parents . Compared with childhood , Teenagers have a higher frequency of conflict with their parents , The smell of gunpowder is stronger . We can look at it from the perspective of children and parents , Let's see why .
From a child's point of view , This is mainly due to rapid physiological development , Especially sexual maturity , Make teenagers' emotions more volatile . and , With the development of teenagers' logical thinking ability , Their sense of autonomy will also be significantly enhanced . They don't want to be commanded by their parents in everything , But economically , They still depend on their parents , This contradictory psychology of independence and attachment , It can easily lead to conflict . Some people think that , Children have always wanted to rebel against their parents . But when I was young, my strength was too weak , Until adolescence , Taller and stronger , I think I might beat my parents , So I began to challenge my parents' authority . This is particularly evident in boys .
The problem with parents is , They often underestimate the maturity and autonomy of teenagers . The child has grown up , But some parents don't update their parenting style in time , Still treat them as children , Make rules for them , Arrange activities , Not enough respect and communication . This will easily lead to contradictions .
occasionally , Parents will immerse themselves in a set of theories , They are used to making negative interpretations of their children's words and deeds . Why doesn't he go to school ? It must be because I want to be lazy , Or to deliberately annoy me . And then they will reprimand 、 Punish the child . This leads to a vicious circle , Instead, it will intensify contradictions .
Regarding this , The therapist at the Tavistock Clinic pointed out , More important than behavior , Is the motivation behind it . Parents should try to see kindness in their children's behavior 、 Positive motivation . Even if the child does behave badly , If parents educate him at the same time , Be able to see the child's appeal behind the behavior , Their relationship will be very different , Children's behavior is also easier to change .
For teenagers of this age , What are their core demands ？ I suggest you remember two things . First of all , They are building self-identity ; second , They long for the respect of their parents .
Psychologist Erikson divides a person's life into eight stages of development , Each stage has a unique task . Every time we complete a task , Will become more sound 、 Stable . But if it fails , There will also be various problems , Become more vulnerable . such as , stay 1 Before age , The child's core task is to build trust ,3 s , Establish autonomy , And in the 10 Later in adolescence , The most important task is to establish self-identity .
So-called “ Self identity ”, Simply speaking , Just one person to “ Who am I ”“ What kind of person I will be ” And so on 、 A unified understanding . Teenagers need to explore the differences between themselves and others 、 Know yourself , Make clear which social role you are more suitable for . Children who have achieved identity , Have a clear understanding of your strengths and weaknesses , Have certain goals for your future , Can be enthusiastic about learning 、 Work and life , So it will be more mature , Mental health is better .
But unfortunately , Many parents will take some improper measures , Hinder the development of children's self-identity . Some parents are too strong , They will impose their own standards and aspirations on their children , Cause children to ignore their true thoughts , Dare not take risks to try and explore . These clever teenagers will say , I want to be a doctor , Because my mother thinks I am fit to be a doctor . Or you don't know what you want to do in the future . So , Adolescent children don't rebel or make trouble , Not necessarily a good thing . For their extraordinary behavior , Parents need to understand and tolerate .
And that is , Although adolescent children behave arrogantly 、 Rebellious and willful . But in fact , Their self-esteem level is generally not high at this stage , Often feel empty and lost . In a way , Children's self-esteem is actually based on their parents' respect for them . When their rebellious behavior led to their parents' reprimand , Their hearts are actually lost . The author mentioned a scene in the book ： One 13 A - year-old girl looked at her tattoos and messy metal rings , Talk to the psychotherapist , How she wished she could make some achievements , Let mom be sure of herself .
So you see , Seemingly arrogant teenagers , My heart is still very fragile . They contradicted their parents , But I also care about what my parents think of me , Desire to be respected . This may be what many parents did not expect . So next time, if the child does something out of line , Make you angry . Think about this , Then try to communicate with the children . Your child will indeed slowly leave the home , But he still needs you .
Having finished the relationship between teenagers and their parents , We go out of the house again , Look at their peer relationships at school .
From the middle of childhood 、 Advanced , To adolescence , Children spend more and more time with their peers . At the same time of confrontation and gradual separation from parents , Teenagers will also fill these relationship gaps in school .
What is the use of friendship among teenagers ？ In addition to sharing interesting information , Provide support and help , Peer contact , There is also a very important function , It allows teenagers to get accurate feedback about their ability development level . After all , The big boy is too good , Children are not challenging , Compared with the brothers and sisters in the family , It's the same thing . Only compared with peers , Children can only know where they are 、 What level of , Whether your behavior is appropriate . If the child is always at home , It's hard to get such feedback .
Fortunately, it seems to be a child's nature to make friends . quite a lot 10-11 Around a - year-old child , There will be several old friends , Maybe a neighbor or a relative's peer . Actually , When they were eight or nine years old , You can already be clearly aware of , There are many things you can't control . So they want to be able to identify with their own objects , Build a strong group together , To gain strength and a sense of belonging . That's why , Many pupils always play in groups .
But as we get older , Teenagers' understanding of friendship will change subtly , Their dating patterns will also change . They are looking for a special experience , To strengthen and confirm the gradually formed self-awareness . You'll see , Two teenagers gathered together , There seems to be endless words . They no longer play games or sing and swim together as they did when they were young , But in the chat , Share your life and thoughts deeply .
By contrast , In childhood , A good friend is often a playmate , Children must know how to cooperate in play activities . But teenage friendships , More emphasis on intimacy . If a child of this age wants to maintain a good friendship , You have to know how to show yourself , How to provide emotional support for friends , And how to do it without hurting your feelings , Deal with differences . This involves the ability to communicate 、 Problem solving ability 、 Empathy, etc . Many teenagers , It is in the process of friendship starting and breaking up , Gradually developing these social abilities .
Friendship can not only promote the socialization of teenagers , It is also an important source of support . We have already said in the first part , Teenagers need to face a lot of changes and pressures , There are many puzzles in my heart . When close friends express their uneasiness and fear to each other , They often find that they are not an alien , There is nothing to be ashamed of . Besides , In building self-identity , Friends can also play a huge role , They can talk over and over again , Identify your own characteristics with each other 、 like , And future goals .
It should be noted that , Although friendship is very important for children's development , But not every child can make friends smoothly . Even a shy and introverted child , If you can't make friends , You will also feel quite lonely , Depressed and sad . Now , Sensitive adults should understand and help children solve this problem .
In addition to being close friends with peers , Children entering adolescence , Also choose to join different groups , Even gangs . When teenagers become part of a group , Parents will become less and less important in their lives . For them , Group related activities are the most important .
Whether in real life , Still in the virtual world , Adolescent children are eager to be accepted , Fear of being excluded . For them , A group or gang symbolizes a mechanism of support and protection . For those who are building self-identity , For teenagers who want to constantly explore themselves , Has an irresistible attraction . Whatever the group , It's basically like a protective cover , Can protect vulnerable young people , Give them a sense of security , Help them get through this transitional period of separation from their families .
Although a large number of people can bring a sense of security , But many teenagers who are busy in small groups are still eager to make a special 、 Close friends , And get comfort from it . They will admit that they are different from most of their friends in the group . This just shows the frailty and coldness of group friendship . Teenagers are always looking for individuality 、 Safe 、 The need for mutual trust and friendship . Only this relationship , It is possible to replace the unconditional love obtained in the family before . And this is a kind of puberty in turmoil , Extremely precious love .
About 10-14 The relationship problems of teenagers , I'll tell you that . I don't know if you find out , Teenagers are estranged from their parents , Will be closer to friends . During this period of twists and turns , Family and friendship , In fact, it is taking turns to provide children with a sense of security and belonging . In the end , Each of us is in the balance of these relationships , Gradually determine their own identity .
10-14 Years old , What's on your mind? ？ summary
Come here , The core of this book is over .
In the first part , We focused on the physical and psychological changes of teenagers .10 The level of development of a - year-old child is very different , Precocious girls tend to feel embarrassed 、 anxious . But boys are fine . Before puberty , Some children may appear “ Retro behavior ”, But this is not degradation , But a kind of psychological construction . When the child officially enters puberty ,“ sex ” Will become a particularly prominent variable . Sexual curiosity 、 Sexual impulses and anxiety , Will strongly influence and stimulate them . Accurately grasp these characteristics and changes of teenagers , It can be said to be a compulsory course for parents .
In the second part , We focused on the relationship issue .10-14 Young people at the age of , The relationship with parents is often tense . But if parents can realize , Children at this stage must constantly explore themselves , Build self-identity ; And they actually care about their parents 、 Need parents . The tension may ease considerably . For teenagers , Friends and small groups are very important . At the same time of confrontation and gradual separation from parents , These relationships outside the family can provide them with a sense of security and belonging .
In the recommended preface of this set of books , Dr. lisongwei wrote this passage , I would like to share it with you . He said , People often ask :“ How to cultivate an ideal child ?” In fact, it's like raising flowers , The important thing is to understand its internal law . exactly , We can't control how a flower grows , When does it bloom . It has its own rhythm . We can do it , Is to give it a suitable environment 、 Light and moisture , Then it's waiting . That being the case , But the process of waiting is painful , Fortunately, this set of books can tell us , How this flower is growing .