Talk about communication
3 Monthly reading theme ： communicate
among 《 Nonviolent Communication 》《 Key dialogue 》 I have seen , However, re reading still feels a lot of gain . Communication is our daily work , But it often leads to endless problems , It is worth reading the book of communication , System learning .
《 Nonviolent Communication 》 Communication is divided into four links ： Observe 、 feel 、 expression 、 request .
1. Observe , It is objective. , You can't add subjective judgment .
What we see is often not real , And the brain is used to Judge immediately when you see . This is a human instinct , From human animal instinct , Habit gives priority to the existence effect of preset views and characteristics . Characteristics have effects , It refers to the fact that the brain has been impressed recently . The brain is disturbed by preset views and characteristics , It's easy to make one-sided and subjective judgments .
Take a look at the following example , Judge whether it's feeling or thinking ？
If you don't say hello to me , I'll think you don't care about me
I want to hit someone now
I think I've been misunderstood .
“ I think ” Is already drawing a conclusion .“ Want to .....” Ahead of time , Already making decisions , All jump, observation and awareness . Good communication , Be sure to slow down the process .
Observe , It's a third perspective , Objectively mark Events .
2. feel , Is to feel your emotions , Cannot add external information .
This is an ability , Regular exercise can be more and more accurate , More and more conscious , He goes against the flow of the brain , But the entrance to reason , Help us Devote yourself to your goal , Actively adjust yourself , Look for strategies to respond .
3. demand , The difficulty is to express clearly .
Luxembourg suggests using this sentence pattern “ I can see （ The facts ）, feel （ mood ）...., because （ need ）...".
for example ： I saw typos on the company poster , I feel unhappy , Because I hope the company will establish a rigorous and serious image . In this way, the observation - feel - It needs to be connected .
To demand , Try not to beat around the Bush . Make things clear , The more direct, the easier it is to express clearly . In the elaboration, the observation is stated first 、 feel , Demand is a natural thing . Express your needs clearly , Don't let people guess , Or cause misunderstanding , Such a view is powerful .
4. Make a request , Need a chance .
When will the request be made , Need to wait .
< human world > Mother in law Help my son-in-law transfer his post A passage from , Classic . During the festival, the Organization Department sent someone to visit Jin Yueji , Come and ask ：” Director Jin , You are alone at home during the festival ？”
Jin Yueji said ：” Her daughter and son-in-law have all gone back to her mother-in-law's house , They are usually with me , It's the holiday , Just went to reunite with my mother-in-law . Our family is different from others , The daughter of someone else's family is married , Our daughter not only didn't go out , Also dragged Bingyi back . I can put Uphold justice as a son .“ This sentence shows the attitude towards upholding justice .
And then , She said ：“ What about? , How my family behaves in upholding justice ？ When Lao Hao was alive , I'm quite satisfied with this son-in-law ！” Ask the other person's comments , Don't forget to add the identification of a heavyweight as evidence .
The old governor is satisfied , Can the organization department be dissatisfied ？ Somebody hurry up and say ：” Comrade Zhou Bingyi performed very well , He is a good cadre who is capable and good at uniting comrades , He not only unites comrades who agree with him , And unite with comrades who disagree with him . Everyone is convinced of his character and ability to work .“
The organization department recognized Zhou Bingyi's performance , Jin Yueji is in a hurry Hand in your request ：“ Has the organization considered the transfer of Comrade Bingyi ？”
The Organization Department understands Jin Yueji's real purpose , The feasibility of specific transfer in the future 、 The whereabouts were discussed . Jin Yueji Introduction Policy , Put the facts , Not warm, not fire , Clear logic , Without crossing the line , It's really worth pondering .
In fact, Nonviolent Communication , You may still fail to achieve your goal , Its function is to adjust the rhythm , Control your emotions , Make information more effective .
Nonviolent Communication is not rhetoric , Not result oriented .
02 Break through
What are the sticking points in communication ？
Checkpoint 1： Topic sensitivity
Checkpoint 3： atmosphere , Emotional tension
Checkpoint 2： No solution found
Face the sticking point in communication , How do you do that ？
1. Go back to the starting point again and again .
2. Words are few but powerful .
The content is related to the main idea , To prevent digression . Constantly confirm the other party's expression through repetition . Find out where the other person's focus is .
3. Ease conflict
To ease conflict, try the following tools ： Pull away 、 Show weakness 、 Listen for 、 Empathy .
Pull away , Is to observe from a third perspective , Define how you feel right now .
Show weakness , You can borrow the method of comparison , Cause the other party's reflection . The comparison shows that there are two ：
One is to affirm first and then deny .
When the topic wandering when , First set up the flag pole , Nail the goal in each other's mind . That is, we must first be sure （ Clear objectives ） Add what you don't want .
such as , The couple quarreled , When you communicate with your partner , State your goals first , Advance with one positive and one negative goal .“ I hope to have a frank dialogue with you this time , On the one hand, I hope you can discuss with you how to improve our relationship , On the other hand, we don't want to destroy our emotions or waste each other's time , Fall into mutual accusations . that , How should we solve our common problems ？”
Contrast notes , Is to set up a comparative structure in the statement , Set Guardrails for entry targets , Curve .
The other is to deny first and then affirm .
When the other side Guess at the bad side Time measurement , First deny （ I don't want you to think .....）, Ease the tension of confrontation , So that the other person can listen to you . Then say the affirmative view , Return to a common goal .
for example , If you are the head of the Department , The upper leaders came to inspect , You should first improve a plan and show it to the leaders . Several men work overtime day and night . As a result, the leader talked with you about another new plan , Delayed the inspection time . Because you didn't tell everyone , Everyone is still working overtime for the show , Afterwards, I told you that the inspection was cancelled , Many people are very angry .“ We worked all night , The vice president is not coming , Why don't you even say hello ？ Don't send a text message to tell ？” Differences arise , Colleagues think you don't respect them .
If you feel insecure at this time , You will think “ I argue with the vice president for the future of our department , It took a long time to keep our new plan , I don't thank you and accuse me of ? I'm not sorry for you ？” In this way, both sides began to get excited .
The way to avoid worsening the situation is —— apologize , Then move the topic back on track .
Apologizing is not simply saying “ I'm sorry ”, Make the other person think you just want to end the argument . Be sincere , First describe the facts , Then apologize .“ Let's show... For our new scheme , Working overtime for several nights , The inspection was cancelled , I didn't inform you at the first time , So sorry .”
Just tell the truth , You will enter a perceptive reflection , Rebuild your sense of security .
Because the beginning of the argument is to guess at the bad side , The next step is to deny , Be sure .“ I don't want you to think I don't value your work （ Say the other person's bad guess ）, I don't want to report our work results to the Vice President . On the contrary , I think your work performance is particularly outstanding , It's totally worth reporting to the vice president （ Say yes to your work ）.”
Deny first and then affirm , Cool the tension .
The comparison here shows , Is it a bit like comfort ？
The same background .“ Relax , It's not that serious .” It's comfort . The comparison is to communicate , First stand, then break , Or break first and then stand . The amount of comfort information is small , Just calm down . contrast , Set a corner for comments , To get back to the point .
Don't think the comparison is “ Beat a stick to a jujube ”, He set the tone , Get back on track , solve the problem .
such as , You discuss a detail of your work that you haven't handled well , He may be a little nervous , Eager to explain . If you say “ Relax , It's not that serious .” This is comforting , This problem is diluted , The strength of the next solution weakened . You have to tell him clearly ：“ I'm not dissatisfied with your work , But hope to continue to cooperate . You're actually doing well , But this detail is exactly what I pay special attention to , So I hope there can be some improvement , Our overall work will be better .”
The structural formula of this comparison “ No xxx, It is xxx. sure （ performance ）, It's just （ details ）, therefore （ Request ）, The goal is （ Better ）.”
Listen for , It is the key weapon to solve violent communication .
Listening needs to first manage your emotions , Then manage other people's emotions .
We are always unable to restrain our impulse to express , Interpret with subjective consciousness , Can't collect enough objective information , You can't be the same as each other , You can't get into deep communication .
Many words are not what they sound like , Only keep confirming your understanding with the other party , See each other's real needs . This requirement , Maybe you need company , Tell me about it ; Or throw a stone and ask the way , Seek guidance ; Or looking forward to cooperation , Find a win-win point .
Listening requires an empty heart , Don't presuppose ideas , Just to understand , Care about each other's , Maybe nothing can help , Never add to the mess , And can't be involved in disputes .
for example ：
A girl broke up with her boyfriend , My best friend will comfort her , The main way is to scold her boyfriend in front of her . After scolding, say that he is not worthy of you , Don't be sad for such people , In a similar way . Friends may still be thinking about their boyfriend's good , In this case , Her heart pierced when she listened .
There are others , A friend meets a setback , The way of enlightenment is carried out in the mode of selling miserably ,“ Listen to my experience ....” Such a solution seems to be a diversion of the topic .
Others think that , To listen, you have to say something positive , for instance , You've worked very hard , It's not your fault , You're just a little unlucky . Such persuasion is also somewhat false , Too proactive .
Others believe that listening is giving some behavioral support . Others talked about their painful experience , Your reaction is ： Poor child , Come and hug , If you want to cry, cry out , If you want to scold, scold it . It's just that you think the other person needs to vent , Not the other party's real needs .
Admonish the other party to take an empty cup , But if two people don't communicate smoothly , The neural resonance disappears . Then use empathy , It's important to understand each other's needs , Action is “ Listen for ”, Is to know each other's methods more accurately , Not to give up your position , To agree with each other .
Empathy , Just can speak human words .
Say something reasonable. , Is to stand on the other side's position , To feel each other's emotions , Express your observed emotions to the other person .
Mark each other's emotions , The harder part is to find out the other person's emotional state . The other person's emotional state , You can use each other's words , intonation 、 Body language to get . This ability can exercise , such as Find someone who is talking , Or on TV , Imagine you're him . When he talks , Feel it seriously , What is his need at the moment ？ What is emotion ？ What is the driving force behind his expression ？
Mark each other's emotions and be patient , Because the other person may be stubborn , You marked it several times in a row , He may still not believe you , Then keep going , Or pause and give the other person a digestion time .
《 Control the conversation 》 Author Voss gives a case of repeated labeling .
There is a female student , I'm a fundraiser for a charity , Help children in need . One day , Meet an unmoved donor . The donor sat down in his office , Looked at all the donation projects , All denied . Female students think of ways to mark emotions in class , say “ I think you have some hesitation about the project .” Then don't talk , Let the other party digest .
The lady said frankly “ I hope my donation can directly help the girl scout project , Not the others .” She spoke out her fears and worries Then the conversation went deeper , But the lady still denied all the projects . The female student was desperate , But in order to meet again in the future , Then said “ It seems that you are very enthusiastic about the donation project , Hope to find projects that can really help children .”
When planning to leave , the “ Difficult to deal with ” The lady signed the check with alacrity , She said “ Or you know me , I trust you , I'm sure you can find the right project .”
4. Prevent subjective speculation
Conjecture comes from our habitual brain, which makes up some unrealistic pictures . To prevent speculation , First listen to the description of the process .
《 Key dialogue 》 This paper presents a comprehensive communication method to deal with subjective conjecture . Comprehensive communication method structure ： Narrate the facts - Say what you think - Ask for advice （ Ask for feedback , Adjust the rhythm ）- Tentative statements .
for example ：
（ The facts ） I've been here for two years , Excellent performance , But I haven't got a raise , My current salary is the same as that of the newly transferred graduates of our company .
（ idea ） I think I can get a raise now , Is to get a contribution with me 、 Ability matched income .
（ Ask for feedback ） Where does my work fail to meet your requirements ？ What's your opinion on my request for a raise ？
（ Probe ） From my point of view , The reason why I didn't get a raise may be that I didn't get your approval , What do you think I need to improve further ？
5. Don't roll over on Strategy .
One side , Ready for filing .
When the negotiation plan is rejected , There are alternatives that can create the possibility of cooperation . alternative , It shows that you have conducted in-depth thinking and Research . When the other party does not answer again and again , You keep coming up with countermeasures , No matter how dissatisfied the other party is, he will say to think about it , Even if it fails this time , There are also chips to open wireless games .
One side , Look for a third option .（ See 《 The third option 》）
The third option , In the face of conflict and disagreement , In addition to the competition between black and white , There are collaborative choices .
Synergy is different from compromise , The compromise is 1+1=1.5, Take half a step back . And synergy is 1+1=10 or 100,1000, Form field potential effect . for example , When geese fly , Line up in a line or herringbone , The air flow generated by the whole wild goose array flapping its wings together , Than the total airflow produced by each wild goose , Twice as big . This is when the whole is greater than the sum of the parts , This is the power of synergy .
How to reach the third choice ：
1. To see their
See yourself as an individual with independent judgment and behavior . “ I ” Not externally defined , So when my views collide with those of others 、 When differences arise , Don't deny yourself , This is independence .
2. See others
Respect the people opposite , No labels . Make the other person feel respected , Inspire their unique potential . This model is called ” I see you “ The wisdom of the ubantu people in Africa .
There are six steps to achieve ：
Hear the other party have different opinions .“ Your way of looking at problems is different from mine , I want to hear Your thoughts .”
Understand with heart . Positive attention , Quiet Please , Don't interrupt .
Keep a close eye on your emotions . Have an emotional response , If the other party talks about something sad ,“ Then you must feel bad ？”
Be prepared to learn . You have to be honest enough , Take advice from others 、 Point of view , Even criticize .
Make sure you fully understand each other . Keep repeating the key words of the other party's conversation .
Thank you . When others open their hearts to you , Thank the other person for letting you into In his heart .
4. I work with you
Create common goals , Ask questions in the mode of thinking of third choice , Ask me “ Are you willing to find a better solution ？” It clearly shows your sincerity and goal .
5. world Set the standard of success
From you to Superficial disputes , To discover the principles of mutual concern 、 standard . The third option is often hidden there . principle 、 standard 、 Value is abstract , So there is elastic space . Instead, it is specific interests , No operating space .
《 Understand the future 7 Principles 》 say “ Jump out of the problem ”, Is to redefine the standard of success .
Einstein said , Solve a difficult problem , The answer must not be at the level of this question , It must rise to another level , To solve this problem . And the best way to solve a problem , Is to make him no longer a problem . This is the way to solve the problem .
It reminds me The problem of losing a bike . In the past, people in order to prevent being stolen , Try to invent all kinds of locks , But the effect is not ideal . In recent years, shared bicycle has been launched , The problem is obviously solved . This is from the focus “ steal ” The problem of , Turn to the motivation to focus on behavior , solve “ demand ” problem , The transformation of the problem , Bring business opportunities , It also solves the problem of losing bicycles .
03 Sense of control
In the process of communication , The main concern is the goal , Then there is the sense of control . And both sides of the conversation expect a sense of control , A sense of control can bring a sense of security to each other .
《 Sense of control 》 Gives a trick , Create and let the other person say “ No ” The opportunity of , Break through each other's psychological defense .
Real negotiators will take the initiative to find and let the other party say “ No ” The opportunity of , They know what the other party said “ No ”, It means that the negotiations are really open , Because the other party has expressed his heart , Removed the guard , Now you can get down to business .
Design makes the other party say “ No ” The problem of , The content of the question is also crucial .
This reminds me of the scene where I urge my children to do their homework . All kinds of wrangling , When you feel guilty , Just dump “ Why do you have to do what you say ？ You just Don't let me do what I like .” At this time, we won't listen to anything .
Analyze his current state , Is to face the reality and want to do , Feel very stressed , Want to escape . At this time, the positive dredging effect is not good . It's better to help the child find a sense of control , Pick up the sense of responsibility for yourself .
This situation , Many times, parents may be cold treated , Let's calm down , Ignore him first , Let him talk to his family （ I often use this ）, Or violent treatment , Just give it a beating , The child is tired of crying , If you are afraid of pain, you will adjust yourself , Be quiet and obedient . But none of this is done by experts , It often makes both sides feel physically and mentally exhausted .
What would a master do ？ Solve the root cause —— Let the child find a sense of control . Children have a sense of control , His confidence 、 Responsibility comes back , He will be responsible for himself , At this time, the parents can push it again .
You can design such a problem “ Do you want to give such homework to the teacher ？” Children generally don't want to be checked by the teacher that they haven't finished , Be named and criticized in public , Usually say no . If hem and haw acquiesced , Then let him pack his schoolbag , Be silent for a moment , Let the child accept the results .
Either way , Ask him “ that , What are you going to do now ？” Children may say “ Not until you finish your homework , But I still Want to ....." He has now become rational , At this time, we can start to discuss homework problems together , Together Discuss a feasible plan . Let the child list what needs to be done , What you want to do , The order of parents' auxiliary suggestions .
Be careful. ： Ask your child to mark how long it is expected to complete . When the time is calculated , He will slowly put down the pressure and fear , He made the plan himself , The implementation is much smoother .
Communication ability is the embodiment of Eq . The EQ tool we often use is ： Emotion management , Emotional coordination （ Empathy ）, Self motivation .
1. Emotion management , Is the key to dealing with interpersonal relationships .
Emotional information is multifaceted , It's not just language , And actions and expressions .
We have received such education since childhood , For example, Grandpa gives his child a birthday present , Children don't like , Parents will teach their children to thank grandpa , If you grunt and say thank you , That must be revealing , And be happy , Enthusiasm . White lies plus words and actions , To maintain good social etiquette .
2. Emotional coordination
Emotional coordination is based on empathy , Connect with each other .
Classroom , The higher the degree of coordination between teachers and students , The more friendly you feel , Easy to get along with . A successful speaker 、 Leaders are good at letting other people's emotions follow their own , Influence the audience in a way of emotional coordination .